Kindergarten

I didn’t cry.  I’m not sure what to make of that just yet and I’m currently avoiding all phone calls because I think if I talk out loud about it, the floodgates will open.  I feel like I’m supposed to be sad, mourning for my baby that is growing too fast.  (It IS true!)  But really what I’m feeling mostly is excited!  I love the spunky, hilarious, kind-hearted, loving, dramatic, full-of-life girl she has become.  This five-and-a-half year old.  This baby girl that I love so dearly.  That is not a baby anymore. 

Today, she started kindergarten.  It’s a big deal, y’all.  More than ever before, this milestone has reminded me that she is really not mine.  She belongs to God.  I am in awe that He would allow her Daddy and I to be her parents here on this earth, to guide her, to love her, to teach her, to soak her heart in the Word, to borrow her for this short time.  His daughter.  The magnitude of that blows me away.

Oh, I worry, to be sure.  About all the things.  Will she make new friends?  She hardly knows any of the kids in her class.  Will she be able to open her pudding cup at lunch?  Those foil lids are a little tough sometimes.  Will she sit still and listen at the right times?  After all, she has been fidgety lately. (That's probably because SUMMER.  With all it's late-night sugar fests and zero bedtimes.  Ummmm. Yeah.) Will she check the slide on the playground before sliding down?  It’s so hot out, she could burn herself.  Will she like her new school?  It’s so different.  It’s great, but it’s so new.  Will the big kids be nice to her or will they scare her?  There are 7^th graders in that building!  Will she talk too much?  Her momma always did. :) Will she learn all that she needs to?  She loves science and math, but still shows no interest in even coloring inside the lines.  (That means she’s a rebel, right?  A true artist who cannot be confined by lines on a page.)  Will she have fun?  I loved school and learning.  Will she?  What will be the first heartbreak?  It’s coming.  Preschool is all glittery, everyone is a friend, they hug all day and have to be reminded not to share kisses.  Soon, feelings will be hurt and it will sting.  Will she fit in?  Will she feel confident?  Will she be scared? 

And here is the answer to all of those worries…she is not mine.  Make no mistake, I could sit here all day and tap out all the questions and the what-ifs and the fears.  There are many.  But ultimately, it comes down to ONE question.  Do I trust our God, our Abba Father, to love, protect, and comfort His daughter?  Oh, how my heart screams for her.  My flesh wants to claim all of her for my own.  She needs ME to protect her, to love her, to comfort her.  I cannot tell you the number of times the last few weeks God has whispered into my very soul. Lindsey, she belongs to me.  Let go.  You are not in control.  I could almost laugh out loud watching myself in my mind’s eye.  I can get so very busy “being the mom” and trying to grasp the proverbial carrot dangling in front of me.  I chase control as if I can see nothing else.  I just need to control.  To order our steps.  To make sure we are prepared.  I meltdown and throw fits when I “lose it”.  I seek control and think once I have it, everything will fall into place.  My daughter.  You cannot lose what you never had to begin with.  Life is messy.  You are no good for this chaotic world.  If you could see with my eyes, my birds-eye-view, you would remember to remember Me.  If you could bring order, you would never need Me.  Sweet child, you cannot do this alone.  Stop thrashing about.  Stop running.  Stop the busy-ness.  I am here.  I will hold you.  I will hold Carson.  I am not moving.  It’s okay, daughter.  It’s okay.

Okay, so after typing all this out, I did end up crying.  It’s scary!  I have fears!  I worry!  I AM A MOM!  But He is my Abba Father.  And Carson’s.  When I let myself remember that, I can find that excited place again.  That place that cannot wait to hear how her day went.  That place that makes me excited for the “big kid” years to come.  I’m so excited and ready for the seasons to come!  I am so enjoying the seasons that are here, too.  But there is excitement and a new horizon.  Bring it!

Because, let’s face it.  I’m still hormonal.  I can still see the backside of pregnancy.  It’s walking away, but it hasn’t left the building yet.  I’m tired.  I’ve got a million things on my to-do list (not one of them writing this post, mind you).  There are little kids hanging on me all day, calling my name again and again, needing me.  There are dinners to throw in the crock pot, people’s underwear to wash, little people’s hineys to wipe.  There is work to be done…emails to write, phone calls to make, appointments to meet, demands to address.  There are hard things.  And joyful things.  And tiring things.  Exhausting things.  Energizing things.  Moments flash before my eyes like a moving train.  It’s a blur.  My family calendar alone is enough to buy you a one-way ticket to Crazy Town.  It’s a fast moving train that doesn’t stop until next June.  But the new season brings excitement, renewal, possibility.  Today was the very first toe over the starting line to this new season for us.  (And you thought it was “just” Kindergarten.)

My Sweet Carson,

Right now you are probably eating your morning snack.  I find myself wondering who you are sitting next to and what you might be chatting about.  I’m thinking about you every second today.  I am praying for you!  Remember your verse today!  {Psalm 56:3}

The house sure is quiet with just Sister and me here to fill it!  Don’t worry, I remembered to rub her hand the way she likes, just like you taught me.  I didn't forget to do “all the things you do” with her today so that she wouldn't miss you too badly.  Oh, my girl.  You are the sweetest big sister.

Momma and Daddy are so very proud of you.  You are truly a big girl now and we are just so so so happy that we can share this life with you.  You bring us joy.  You make us laugh. (You are SO FUNNY!)  You make us crazy sometimes, too!  You make us feel closer to God.  You teach us.  You have changed us.  You are a gift from God and we are so very thankful to Him who has given us more than we could ever earn or deserve. 

I cannot wait to come pick you up and hear all about your day! 

I love you more than double rainbows.

Momma

{The night before Kindergarten.  She had "jitter glitter" all over her!}

 {I am excited she is reading more and can't wait until I can write more lengthy notes!}

{The obligatory "first day" pics.  She was kinda over it and just ready to GO!  

Hence, the silly pic on the right.}

{So so so thankful for our precious, Godly school.  

It is full of teachers and staff that love Jesus, love our kids, and teach them academically and spiritually.  

Thank you, FHBA!  We already love you to pieces!}

{Excitement doesn't even begin to cover it.}

{So cute I can hardly stand it.}

{Sweet Mrs. Owen who patiently let me snap a quick pic even though there were a thousand things going on.  Love her.  Trust her completely and thank God for a Godly, praying, Jesus-loving teacher!}

We are praying over our school, students, teachers, staff, and administration.  We pray that God will use FHBA to speak Truth and Life into our children.  We pray for obedience and an eagerness to learn for the students, for wisdom for the teachers, and grace for all!  Let's get this year started!